your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped
like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note." (from Blogger)
The Southern Humorists set out to find the answer. The question was
presented to our humor writers' discussion group as a contest. The
winner of the Rooster Pitcher Trophy and a Southern Humorist with
something to crow about is a danged Yankee - MIKE BAY! Humbly
accepting the honor, Mike said,
"I actually won something based
on something I wrote? I will
mark the calendar for this one ;-) And thanks. Far as I'm
concerned, all kidding aside, the rooster pitcher is as much a
trophy as a functionable utility."
Here is his winning entry - and just for the heck
of it, we are including the runner ups as well.
Dear Aunt Beucowlick:
I am terribly sorry I didn't get back at.. to you sooner
about the unique birthday gift. I was beyond touched and
momentarily nonplused, receiving this urban reminder of my
youth growing up in the breadbasket of the Iowan Plains.
You'll no doubt imagine how much more so I was, when I
discovered that not only was this fowlish dispenser designed
for maple syrup, it had other battery-operated features
built into the stand.
But the best surprise came when I (mis)read the instruction
manual, and added in the C batteries that heat the mapley
syrup to a confectionary consistency, without realizing the
other special touch incorporated therein: it 'crowed' when
one poured. At realistic decibels.
My sleepover girlfriend was not amused, when it 'crowed', I
jumped, and dispensed warm maple syrup all over her. And me.
And the kitchen. And the dining room, living room, etc (the
ceiling fan was on; 'nuff said).
She is now suing me for 'irreparable damage' to her new (hair)doo,
and the untoward, unfortunate impression that I had 'kinky
ulterior breakfast motives'. All I wanted was my Eggo, but
she's beyond reasoning now
I can't thank you and your 'gift' enough.
Anyway, I hope to repay your generosity with the enclosed
modified Salad Shooter. Knowing your need for dietary fiber
at your age, I fixed it up with that rooster dispenser in
Enjoy, and I've already warned the neighbors.
[Mike Bay - 9343]
Dearest Auntie Endall,
I received your thoughtful gift in the mail on my
birthday. I immediately put it to good use. However, I
apologize for this late thank you note.
You see Auntie Endall, I've been in the hospital in a
diabetic coma. I only recently recovered. The doctor told
me a sudden sugar spike brought on the coma. You know how
you use to always tell me that blood is thicker than
water? Well, now my blood is thick as syrup too. It all
happened right after I marveled at your tasteful gift
giving. In fact, I told Buford that the pretty porcelain
rooster was too fancy to set out next to the liberty bell
napkin holder. I announced instead, we had to put it to
use right away. This would make Grandma proud. I made a
huge batch of flapjacks. I then filled the little rooster
with the homemade syrup Grandma had made me shortly after
my newly diagnosed diabetic condition. I guess
thoughtfulness must run in the family.
Anyway, you know Buford, he dug right in
to those flapjacks, but kept talking with his mouth full
about my diabetic condition and how I shouldn't be eating
the syrup. I did not listen, because I was in a barnyard
trance. All I could do was marvel at how easily syrup just
spilled in a straight glistening line from that little
yellow glass beak. I just poured and poured and poured.
The next thing I remember is Mamma's gum
smacking in my ear and her mumbled curses about the
communistic no smoking signs all over the hospital.
It's all okay now because I'm home again.
However, I have a bit of bad news. Buford said right
before I went into that coma I had a devil spasm. While
the devil had me and I was thrashing about, I broke the
pretty little rooster.
I deeply apologize for not taking better
care of such a thoughtful farm friendly gift. Please
But, I promise to do just as good for you on your
Hugs from your niece,
PS do you have a cow shaped tea pitcher
[Tempa Worsham 9336]